The Legend of Zelda: The Movie

Author's Note: DO NOT PANIC. As of this time of writing (June 2023) there are no Legend of Zelda movies in the works. This is all hypothetical. But make no mistake; following the success of Sonic the Hedgehog and the Super Mario Bros Movie, Hollywood executives are going to squeeze the “video game adaptations” category to death. Nothing is impossible.

SPOILERS for Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom

Have you ever seen Primitive Technology on YouTube? A dude enters the Australian wilderness with nothing but a pair of shorts and ends up with brick shelters, catapults, and metallurgy.

I watch this channel religiously.

By “religiously” I don’t just mean that I tune in for every video when it drops. I do, but what I mean is that Primitive Technology is a religious experience. There’s just something inherently compelling about a guy that doesn’t say a single word but accomplishes astounding things without apparently straining himself.

If they ever choose to adapt the Legend of Zelda into a feature film, the writers would do well to lift the blueprint from - you guessed it - Disney’s Tarzan (1999).

Now hang on. I see you squinting skeptically. It’s not a 1:1 translation, obviously. Link isn’t adopted by gorillas, he’s adopted by the people of Kakariko village. Tarzan doesn’t save a princess, he saves a brilliant researcher for whom he feels inexplicably compelled to protect with the full extent of his abnormal physical prowess.

When it comes to protagonists who don’t say much but can climb just about any damn thing, Tarzan and Link are the only matches that come to mind. Pazu from Castle in the Sky would be a great example (tied by fate to a princess, floating islands, climbs sheer stone walls) except that he talks all the damn time.

For anyone attracted to men, the silent-but-hypercompetent-hero is a well-earned fantasy - think “born sexy yesterday” but with himbos. He doesn’t mansplain. He doesn’t offer unsolicited advice. He doesn’t interrupt or order for you at restaurants. He just wordlessly takes your torch so you can work with both hands.

And if anyone is foolish enough to put you in harm’s way, that himbo will go to any lengths to make sure you’re safe. God help your kidnappers. This mute force-of-nature is going to fulfill prophecies without even meaning to. He’s collecting ancient artifacts and liberating the people of Hyrule because that’s what happens to stand between him and you.

Okay, so there’s the plot question. Will Link save Zelda from the clutches of Ganon? But that’s only half of a good story. If we’re pitching a Legend of Zelda script we have one more question to answer: what’s the Crisis Decision, the ultimate test of Link’s character?

Right now, defeating Ganon = saving Zelda = saving the world. What Link wants and what Link needs can be accomplished with the same action. Efficient but not compelling.

Tears of the Kingdom introduced the perfect opportunity. In order to save Hyrule, Zelda must transform into a dragon and charge the Master Sword for thousands of years. This process is irreversible, and in her dragon form Zelda is not recognizable in any way. The princess will be, for all intents and purposes, dead.

In Act I Link would never have allowed it. But in Act II Link made friends in every part of Hyrule. They’re all counting on him and Zelda to make the right choice here. The following evidence has also been stacking up throughout the film:

1. If Ganon is not defeated, the people of Hyrule will suffer forever.
2. Ganon can only be defeated by the Master Sword, and only after it has bathed in sacred light for ten thousand years or whatever.
3. The only creatures capable of generating sacred light with the necessary purity are dragons.
4. All the dragons are dead. (Taking some liberties here)
5. There’s a way for Zelda, and no one else, to take one for the team and become a dragon. Only those of royal blood still have enough dragon heritage in them to undergo the transformation.

At this point, Link’s original mission (rescuing Zelda) is no longer the “right” thing to do according to the rules of the storyworld. Link accepts his role in the prophecy. He lets Zelda go.

We know how spiritually connected Link and Zelda are across all timelines. The world shakes when these two cross paths. So for him to look Zelda in the eye and accept her decision, that’s the divinity. That’s what it took about an hour of film to teach him. Zelda is worth protecting specifically because she’ll do anything for her people.

Link fights Ganon and gains the upper hand, Ganon turns into a dragon, Link and Dragon-Zelda fight together and save the world. Zelda is, by obligation, somehow transformed back into a human anyway.

For the record, I believe this movie would be doomed from the start even with an amazing script. There are 19 mainline Zelda games and 45 total releases. Each Link has slightly different characterization and, despite the best efforts of the Hyrule Historia, each game has its own irreconcilable universe. Audience expectations are all over the place - rely too much on one game for source material and you'll alienate the fans of the other 18. Rely on NONE of the games and the audience will wonder what it is you're adapting exactly.

There's exactly one (1) possible version of the Legend of Zelda movie that isn't terrible - an animated feature written and directed by Hayao Miyazaki. Please? I need this.