Be the Worst Worker Imaginable: Indirect

During WWII, the CIA wrote up a 40-page document titled "Simple Sabotage," which is exactly what it sounds like. On this page I've paraphrased all the stuff that's useful even outside of wartime.

Some guidelines for the aspiring corporate saboteur to remember at all times:

• A saboteur should never attack targets beyond their capacity or the capacity of their tools. The whole point is to disrupt the workplace while keeping your job. Use your noodle and only attempt what you know you'll get away with.
• After you have committed an act of easy sabotage, resist any temptation to wait around and see what happens. Of course it's more suspicious if you're seen walking away from the fan just as the shit hits it, but distance yourself as much as possible from the damage.
• A saboteur should damage only objects and materials known to be in use by the enemy. Don't let your peers be victims or collateral damage in your schemes. The enemy is the establishment, not your coworkers.
• A state of mind should be encouraged that anything can be sabotaged. Every job is different. Keep an eye out for ways that you are uniquely positioned to fuck with productivity.
• Don't be afraid to look stupid. It's good to be underestimated, and the cloaking power of stupidity is invaluable. Just don't look lazy.

FOR MANAGERS
Please direct your energies at other managers and not your employees. If anything, aim to reduce the workload of your subordinates.

• Insist on doing everything through “proper channels.” Never permit shortcuts or expedite decisions.
• Talk as frequently as possible and at great length. Include anecdotes and some patriotic or company-centric comments.
• If possible, refer matters to committees for “further study and consideration.” The more members the committee has (and the more they hate each other) the better.
• Bring up irrelevant issues frequently.
• Haggle over precise wordings (of communications, minutes, resolutions, etc.)
• Refer back to matters that have already been decided in order to reopen the discussion.
• Advocate caution. Be “reasonable” and urge others to avoid haste which might cause embarrassment later on.
• Question the propriety of any decision - imply that it is outside your jurisdiction and may conflict with policy.
• Delay the delivery of results in every way possible. Run over a deadlines even when you finish early.
• Don’t order new materials until current stocks are virtually exhausted, so that even a small delay will cause a shutdown.
• Order high quality materials and insist on their necessity.
• Assign unimportant jobs first, leaving less time and energy for the most critical tasks.
• Insist on perfect work in unimportant products; send flawless work back for refinishing. Conversely, approve defective work whose faults are not apparent to the naked eye.
• Hold conferences when there is more critical work to be done.

FOR CLERICAL WORKERS

• Multiply paperwork in plausible ways. Start duplicate files.
• Multiply procedures and clearances so that any action requires three approvals.
• Apply all regulations to the last letter.
• Mix up quantities. Confuse similar names. Botch addresses.
• Prolong correspondence with government bureaus.
• Misfile essential documents.
• Make one copy too few so that an entirely separate copying job must be done.
• Tell callers that the person they need to speak to is busy. (Bonus points if that person is you)
• Spread disturbing rumors that sound like insider information. Take advantage of any channels for anonymous feedback (as long as they're actually anonymous).

FOR EVERY WORKER

• Misunderstand orders and quibble over clarifications.
• Work slowly. Increase the number of your movements; use the wrong tools; apply the wrong techniques.
• Contrive as many interruptions to your work as you can. Measure endlessly in the name of precision and efficiency. Leave tools and materials far away from your station and take your time walking to retrieve them.
• Pretend that instructions are difficult to understand - ask to have them repeated more than once and ask unnecessary questions.
• Do your work poorly and blame it on bad tools, machinery, or equipment. Never blame coworkers, and avoid blaming bosses - if the boss really is standing in your way, let them.
• Fill out forms illegibly or omit information for plausible reasons, especially when doing so necessitates extra work when the mistake is caught.
• Misroute materials.
• Give lengthy and incomprehensible explanations when questioned.
• Be as irritable and quarrelsome as possible without getting yourself into trouble.